The Importance of Listening to Your Teen
7 Tips to Improve Your Listening Skills
I have been working alongside teenagers for over 15 years, and there are a few things I've learned about listening to young people during this time. One of the reasons I love working with teenagers is because they are so curious about the world. There's so much they are learning and exploring at this time. They love weird, deep, polarizing, and exciting conversations about a whole range of topics.
When I became a counsellor, I realized that many teenagers were starved of conversation with trusted adults. This was the attention they were craving. Over and over, teenagers would say to me, “I just wish my mom would really listen to me. She's always busy with work, or when she listens, she just immediately gives me advice because she wants to ‘fix me’, or something.” Moments like this create a bigger divide between parent and child, and this is a story I hear again and again.
Parenting a teenager can be a challenging yet rewarding experience. I believe that one of the most crucial aspects of fostering a healthy relationship with your teen is the art of listening. Active listening not only helps you understand your teen better but also builds trust and strengthens your bond. Here’s why listening to your teen is so important and how you can improve your listening skills.
Building Trust and Respect
All parents want a relationship built on trust and respect. Hopefully, you've built the trust and respect needed over time. However, if the tween years took a toll on the closeness of your relationship, listening curiously and compassionately can be transformative.
Trust and respect are serious concepts in relationships. However, when it comes to good listening, not everything has to be so serious. Sometimes, it's those silly or frivolous conversations that lay the foundations for building trust and respect between you and your teen.
One of my favorite cosy viewing television shows is *Gilmore Girls*. For anyone who has seen the show, the main thing that stands out, besides the incredibly quick pace of the dialogue, is the strong bond between Lorelei and her daughter Rory. Now, let's be real—they're human and don't always communicate well. But what really stands out about this show is that Lorelei and Rory have a closeness and intimacy in their relationship that many of us desire. Why? Because Lorelei is willing to have fun, be silly, and just listen to whatever Rory is into. Really listening means that you are listening to what matters to your child and having fun doing it.
When you listen to your teen, you show them that their thoughts and feelings matter. This might be in the car after soccer practice, where you get involved and excited about hearing the play-by-play conversation your son had with the coach. This means asking questions, listening to your kid's favorite music in the car, or even just being your kid’s hype person when they have a new interest. This is validation, and while what they are telling you may seem insignificant at first, they are sharing because this is what is important in their life. Your child is trying to connect with you. Listening and responding is the validation they need to know that they can trust you when they need to talk about the bigger or harder things. This connection and validation are essential for building trust and respect.
Understanding Their World
The teenage years are a time of significant change and growth. Most adults can look back and remember how difficult it was being a teenager at times. However, because we are looking back on our memories with adult eyes and knowledge, we have likely forgotten how many changes really did happen over such a short period of time.
One of my favorite parts of therapy with an adolescent is when they reflect on how different they are from six months ago, one year ago, and so on. There's a brilliant and genuine sense of amazement at how differently they may be seeing the world at 15 years old than they did at 13. Parents can easily forget how much is happening developmentally for their child during their teenage years. You can join them on this journey if you commit to listening more.
When you listen actively to your teen, you hear how their perspective changes over time and with different knowledge and experiences. This is an amazing part of being a parent—witnessing a person becoming more themselves and learning more about who they are. Listening actively, curiously, and deeply will help you understand their world and how they are experiencing it.
Teens face various challenges, from academic pressures to social dynamics. There is also the pressure of maintaining an online persona that most parents can't fully understand because they themselves did not have that same pressure.
Many parents forget that for a young person right now, growing up doesn't seem as exciting or hopeful as it might have 10, 20, or 30 years ago. There's a lot of uncertainty in the world. There's a lot of worry about what it means to get older. Pair this with the immediate reality of ongoing conflict with friends, a growing loneliness epidemic, and the unethical practices of companies and technology moguls, and there are a lot of challenges for a teenager navigating 2025.
By listening to your teen, you gain insight into their world and the issues they are dealing with. This understanding allows you to provide better support and guidance tailored to their needs.
Enhancing Communication
Effective communication is a two-way street. When you listen to your teen, you model good communication skills. This encourages them to listen to you in return, fostering a more open and honest dialogue.
Teens are more likely to open up and share their experiences when they feel heard and understood. A common story I hear in the counseling room with adolescents is that their parents only make time to talk to them when they are managing or disciplining them. While it is important to maintain your authority as a parent, especially as your child goes into the teenage years, by not leaving room for fun, curious, and warm conversations, you're not inviting your child to show all parts of themselves to you. By actively listening to the topics they care about, you create a safe space where your teen feels comfortable expressing themselves without fear of judgment.
Improved communication helps resolve conflicts more effectively and strengthens your relationship.
Boosting Self-Esteem
Feeling heard and valued can significantly boost a teen’s self-esteem. There are so many opportunities in the day where we can ask our child their opinion or their perspective on an important issue. I find it really fascinating when I have these conversations with young people because I think it really breaks down the assumptions that teenagers aren't paying attention to the world around them. Teenagers are inherently curious and passionate, often having some interesting views on important issues in the world.
I would encourage any parent to bring up current affairs and things that you see on the news because you might be surprised by the information that your teenager has about these topics. These conversations can be a really powerful way to talk about the values of your family.
However, a boost in self-esteem comes from actually creating space for conversations where you might hold different opinions and letting your child hold that opinion. A sense of individuality shows your teen that you respect that they are an individual from you and that you love them despite differing opinions. It also boosts their confidence to have and defend an idea.
When you listen attentively, you convey that their opinions and feelings are important. This affirmation can help your teen develop a positive self-image and confidence in their ability to navigate the world.
Tips for Active Listening
Be Present: Give your full attention to your teen when they are speaking. Put away distractions like your phone or TV and focus on what they are saying. This is absolutely the most important tip out of any of these. You and your child both deserve full attunement in conversation. Be present more often and you will both reap the rewards.
Show Empathy: Try to understand your teen’s perspective and validate their feelings. Phrases like “I understand how you feel” or “That sounds really tough” can go a long way in showing empathy.
Ask Open-Ended Questions: Encourage your teen to share more by asking open-ended questions. Instead of asking “Did you have a good day?” try “What was the best part of your day?”
Reflect and Clarify: Repeat back what your teen has said to ensure you understand correctly. For example, “So you’re feeling stressed about the upcoming exams, right?” This shows that you are actively engaged in the conversation.
Avoid Interrupting: Let your teen finish their thoughts without interrupting. This shows respect for their opinions and allows them to express themselves fully.
Check What They Need: Too many parents jump into rescue mode and immediately try to provide solutions when listening to their child. Instead, ask your child what they might need from you right now as their parent. For example, “It sounds like you're really stressed about that argument with your friend. Would you like some advice or is it more helpful if I just listen right now?”
Be Patient: Sometimes, teens may take time to open up. Be patient and give them the space they need to share their thoughts and feelings.
Conclusion
Listening to your teen is a powerful tool in building a strong, supportive relationship. It fosters trust, enhances communication, and boosts their self-esteem. By practicing active listening, you can better understand your teen’s world and provide the guidance they need to navigate the challenges of adolescence.
Remember, the simple act of listening can make a world of difference in your teen’s life.